My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize