I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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