Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
