You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
