I can't breathe out the right side of my face
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sex in the backyard? Check.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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