That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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