I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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