i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
