Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I touched a dick in church today
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