She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize