proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
