Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
