Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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