so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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