Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
this is an emotional support booty call
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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