Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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