Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
