I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
