i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
