Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
