I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
