I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
ttyl tear gas
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
