When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
