i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So here I am, sexting at work.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
