Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
