I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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