I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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