i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
