All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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