As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
