I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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