i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
