question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think your dad took our porno
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
