All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
