My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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