I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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