I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
