I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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