Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
