I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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