Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
