Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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