Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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