I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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