She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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