ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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