My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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