someone threw a dead crab at me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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