I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
