after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
