So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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