I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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