2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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