so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
