It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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