I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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