Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
