There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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