I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
