I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
