also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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