New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It was like getting head from an anaconda
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
