What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
