He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
