I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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