Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
