ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
