i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
