yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
