yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My breasts were aching with rage.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
